Sad and mad

Communication: talking, emailing, asking questions, LISTENING, not projecting what one thinks someone is thinking. It is all so very important.

Today I got an email from someone who was obviously displeased and maybe felt a bit unsure so they went ahead and did something that scuppered a plan long talked about and worked on. The rationale was that they were WAITING to hear from me and one other on the details and as they had heard nothing, felt they should take things into their own hands. It hurt, because we are all struggling to juggle dates, people, and countries even and it hurt because they never once tried to find out the latest. The honest answer was that I still do not know, but we are narrowing things down. They did not communicate with a significant party either but somehow the message was that it was my failure to communicate that brought all of this about. 

I thought about it for about 15 minutes and for the first time in a very, very long time, I responded as I felt and thought, not as I felt I should....Time to be honest, time to be adult, time to say that the decision made was theirs, the decision not to talk to us was theirs, the outcome is a result of their decision and not because of me or anyone else. 

I spent the day with Celia B. I had promised her a trip to Greenwich to see the Queen's House among other things. It was lovely, but all day I felt sad and mad and really bad. 

One little email could have prevented all of this. How awful. 

Little bake off

Day four of uni life and loving it. There are some awesome people in my year and it is a blast getting to know them.

 The first three days were exhausting. I am in the car for more than two hours a day and there is so much to take in. We have our student cards, are all registered and have been fitted for uniforms. In my tutor group there are 25 people and more than 9 different nationalities, so exciting! 
Today however, I walked to the supermarket when I got home, it is close enough not to use the car and the stroll there and schlep back did me the world of good. 
I bought ingredients to make the Pasticceria Papa ricotta cheesecake , the recipe for which is a carefully guarded secret. But thanks to this very clever lady a version is available. Mine is cooling now as we speak. It was a challenge and there are many things that I would do differently, if it was to be made again. 
Tomorrow a friend from Australia is coming to stay the night. We ate the original version at her place last month...I am hoping she likes it, but hey, if not, we will eat it any way. 
I know that I planned to put up some photos of the lovely times had over the summer and it will happen, but right now it is all about adapting to new lives, me at uni, Em doing A levels, Hannah off next week to her uni and Big J with a new very exciting bit of work across the pond. 

Home Sweet Home

They let me out at about 10:30 yesterday with the tiniest bandaid you can imagine on my finger..... Yay! One more dressing this week before the flight and lots of tablets to take.

Then it was straight over to Primarni to get some swimmers as my last Primarni pair collapsed after the swim in Brighton. The weirdest thing, the elastic fibres in the lycra must have deteriorated and the result was a very see through strip all the way down the back and through the crotch of the thing. The mind boggles, I just hope and pray that the collapse took place in the washing machine after the swim and not while I was frolicking about like a beach babe whale!! Oh lordy.

We had a barbie yesterday with the friends who own the garden where the squirrel attack took place. Juno came too and was not all that bothered about hunting anything really, word must have got out in the rodent world not to hang about in that tree, although she does like my little bandage for some reason! 

I am so not in the zone for packing for Australia and my heart is very heavy. Poor Em has been down and it just worries me to death. I KNOW there is nothing I can do or say, but my heart goes out to anyone who has depression. No matter how intelligently one can rationalise what is happening - one still has to experience the terrible lows and life can seem so very bleak.
On a positive note, she will be in the best hands with Big J who is wonderful with her at all times. He has been so supportive to both of us. 

I can't wait to start crocheting again but am being sensible for now.

Thank you to all for the comments and the derision on Facebook. 
Kept me laughing no end. 

An end and a beginning

Today I did my last secretary day at the hospital for the forseeable future. I was not sad about that, only sad to leave my mad and funny friends. An ending. 

I then went to an open evening at the uni...it still only took 54 minutes to get there, but that is mid afternoon, what about mornings?

I had questions but got no answers other than the advice to turn up on the day and take it from there. Part of me loved that. Part of me worried there was no list to check off, equipment to buy, etc. But that is the way it is for now. I met a fellow student, as young as she could be to as old as I am. I liked it. It was a beginning, of sorts. 

Over the next few days I need to think about my parents, my Artist Sister, my niece and nephew and their lovely mum, my estranged sister, who has written again. It is a bit like catching a bird....I am keen to write back straight away, but think that if I give a slower, more considered and less emotive response it will be received better. 
I love to travel but I hate to leave my girls. I suffer from separation anxiety, big time. They know it, Big J knows it, but it does not make it easier. I do understand in my head now, (although not my heart) that people come and go and sometimes they go and do not return. That is not what I am planning, but by accepting it, it might make my own departure less anxious. A less anxious mum does less damage to her loved ones. 
What anxieties do you have regarding your loved ones?

The week that was

It has been quite a week. 

My sister, the one that does not contact me, emailed me about my upcoming trip home asking if I would like to see her. YES I WOULD. VERY MUCH. The dates did not work out, but she said she would probably see me next year - at Dad's 80th birthday event. There was no news exchanged, in fact it was a very economical communication, but it was contact and I was very happy. 

We have walked in Ashdown Forest twice. One walk was with the family (minus Han who is still in Japan) and a new friend on a sunny afternoon. It was lovely.

We did not see the much talked about bird visitor, the short toed eagle, which fortunately eats snakes and not little dogs!

A dear friend is troubled again with her addiction and I know that until someone in that position accepts that there is a problem then nothing can be done, but she risks losing so much. This time there was some tough love. 

I worked for one day and feel the pull less. One more shift before I go off to Australia. 

On Sunday after my last blog post I pulled out Tom's blanket, took a photo of it

and decided to start all over again. This one feels right, the colours are right, the yarn is right and the stitch is too. (I am reusing two of the colours of the first blanket and a heap of green from my stash).  

I did however have some real hiccups with the pattern this time but managed to come up with a way to reduce the tension in the foundation row that prevents a warped fabric later on. I had to do it three times, but I did the foundation row in a 5mm hook even though the rest of the blanket is being done on a four. It gave enough slackness to start off as I kept finding the tension of the actual blanket looser than the first row. 

It was volunteer week at school and Em and her friends had struggled to find work so ended up at lower school for four days. Friday was a day off and they went to Devil's Dyke to draw and walk. Big J and I headed for Brighton. 

We went swimimng at Brighton Beach, a first for me.

Talk about a day beside the sea! It was sunny, there were deck chairs and sea gulls, we had our towels and my hat, we went right in and it was lovely. The sky was bright, bright blue and there was something about it being a Friday in term time that made it feel almost like we were skiving off!  It was also Independence Day and we had a meal at an American restaurant and then found free table tennis tables - with bats and balls for all to use and worked up a sweat and worked off our lunch. 

Machine People launched their new video on 4th as well. Go guys. 

Another farewell for a friend heading to Indonesia on Friday night, but I was worn out by then. Too much fun in the sun! Today I could barely summon the energey to crochet let alone manage chores! But to be fair, after slobbing about most of the day, I did plant out some tomatoes (lots of babies already) and did some weeding and other planting. The grunt work of gardening is something I love. 

Pussy Cat Ta Dah, two departures and The Band

The post I wrote up last night has gone awol. Annoying because it took time and I was loving the moment of recapturing all that happened yesterday.

Still for any readers it is probably a blessing as this version is likely to be shorter!!

We had two departures yesterday. One in the morning from Heathrow which meant an early start. Hannah flew to Japan for a month. As I leave for Oz before she comes back we will not see each other until August. This is the longest time apart we have had, and they will just keep getting longer. It makes me so sad, but it is all about new steps in her life. 
Big J then flew to South Africa for a week on business. That leaves Em and I at home alone with Juno and Bosley. We plan a healthy eating week with some exercise and in fact I am having a detox tea for breaky instead of my usual fluffy coffee....mmmmm..not quite the same!

After a late gig on Saturday night two of the band camped here as logistics dictated it was more sensible than driving home to have to return for a local gig tomorrow. They did not go to bed all night and sat like two owls in the conservatory - wide eyed and unbeknownst to me, very drunk. They 'found' a bottle of something and drank it. Like you do....refusing all offers of food and coffee at breakfast they did eventually pass out only to be woken later with some loud death metal by the remaining sober band members who turned up to make sure all was well. Lovely. I could not let them leave home in that state so threw together a massive dish of vegetable pasta bake, garlic bread and some jalepeno and cheese ciabatta we had. It worked, they perked up no end. 
I get the band thing, I really do. I have seen them play many times and watched them morph from youths with passion to young men with passion about their music.  But when they are off the stage and at home, it means more to me. They hang out with the dog, talk to the girls and are great fun. One was telling me about a reccent to trip to Oz and I asked him what he was doing out there. He told me his uncle's band was playing in Sydney and Perth so he went along.....his uncle is in Simple Minds....I knew that!! 

In the midst of all this there was ironing done, a trip to a boot fair and some more crochet time.
This is Rosie - my take on the wonderful tutorial by Janette at The Green Dragonfly. The tutorial is excellent and most of Rosie took shape on the trip to Yorkshire. I love to crochet in the car when I it's not my turn to drive on the motorway! 

I do not have Janette's gift for embellishing and my embroidery skills are rubbish so after hacking off the insipid nose I first made, this is the new version which is pretty pleasing. I made a magic ring and did three double crochet into it before pulling it closed then using the starting and finishing yarns for her mouth. I have made (not finished)  three little kittens for Rosie to mother and they are all going with me to Australia for my niece, Ava. Pics to follow. 

A version of this has taken shape too. Herdy. It is a fat blue lamb for Thomas, my nephew. I do feel a bit like it is cheating to make something so similar, is it? You can judge for yourselves when he gets his legs....

Cake pops

Em is 17 tomorrow. My youngest, the baby, taller than me and beautiful.

Today her sister and a friend made her some CAKE POPS.

They are really yummy and in fact a cool way to eat cake as they are small.....(fewer calories???).

Today we did some birthday shopping and have had the lovely Cliona and Cillian over to play.

Gin and knitting

The lovely Cliona was beside herself in the wool shop but, after some Q&A we decided to have a coffee and just practice a few stitches on the yarn and needles I had in my bag....as you do...just to make sure she was ready for the sweater....

Not really, not yet! So, next best thing, a scarf for her son. Using plain and purl to get really good at the two stiches she needs.  Off to a very enthusiatic start, but a day later we had to regroup to check out a hiccup or two. This we did on the patio, in the very cool air, with a gin/tonic/bitter lemon to take the edge off. And now, she's got it. Her other half has it too. Apparently they were both up til midnight knitting!

This week was tough so a bit of gin and yarn was nice. Nicer still was a run at the gym on Friday night and some knitting of my own. Secret, but will post it soon.

The girls flew off to Amsterdam this morning just after 7:00 to see their Dad who was in Germany this week on business. Great that they could catch up with him.

TA DAH!!! Cardigan complete.....

Have FINALLY finished something. This is for Thomas and I hope it fits.....

Why is it in one's mind's eye things are always just so and in real life they are just a bit wonky? Anyway, I am really proud of this wonky little jacket. The buttons were in my stash and the perfect size, small enough to allow them to pass through the knitting without having their own holes.

We are back from Heathrow having taken granny there to catch her flight back. A few little tears.

Now it is time to bake. We are going on a picnic tomorrow and I want to have all we need in the hamper.

Way in the night

It is nearing 2:30 am and the pressure of work keeps me awake. There is so much sickness and leave at the moment. Four of my secretaries are not around, leaving moi to fumble around with things. Love it as I do, I feel tired. Another three or four weeks of this to go, it has been about 4 already.....

But, good news in abundance.

First, the arrival of Thomas Henry David Haslett in Newcastle, Australia. A new nephew. He has not made his Face Book debut yet, but soon will.

Some very, very good GCSE results.

My sister's exhibition opening here tomorrow....http://www.wpccdubbo.org.au/public-programs.html

and the lady who lost her Japanese fabric has sent the loveliest letter to say thank you for returning it to her.

WHERE IS THIS LEADING?

Lovely day in Lewes, pottering at the rather small boot fair, then some charity shops.

At the BF, someone had a big pile of old crochet and knitting patterns. They were fantastic. Great ideas, just some of the colours looked odd - well let's be honest, some of the photos were odd too. What kids had to wear 45 years ago. Poor little mites.....me being one of them!!!!

 I got very excited but ended up restraining myself and buying only ONE. In the back of my mind was the question - where is this leading? Crochet is my thing, and apart from that, FINISHING something off before a new idea takes hold is something I really, seriously need to work on.
So tonight, I have done some rows on the East West cardi  and will do some rounds on the crochet blanket.

Girls squabbling, things are back to normal!!

Coming home

The girls are on their way home from Japan today, with Granny S. (Mum to me even after all these years). House is sparkly, some beds to be made yet, but it will get done. Happy.

18 Today

My beautiful Hannah is 18 today.  She is bright, funny, outgoing, driven, thoughtful, creative and kind.  Happy Birthday sweetheart.
 

By George she's got it!

I got the job. Despite being very ill in the wee hours (still suffering today) the interview went well and a phone call last night confirmed that it was mine.

It means change. A move to a new office away from my fabulous friends/team. It means a lot to learn. I will be working with the Breast Cancer team, clinical and non-clinical staff. It means more responsibility and the challenge of that appeals. It may be a few extra hours a week, but the day off is not lost. The day off could become flexible, quite a nice thought.

Today I am alone again. The girls are in London with Dada, he flies back tomorrow. Adam is out. Big J is in Whitley Bay, catching up with work and friends.

I am not socially presentable in any way today. I have a nasty stomach bug and I need to be at home. Juno and Bosley are here with me. I would rather they see me than anyone else!




 

The New Year

is here.  It slipped in while I was asleep. I did not celebrate with my family. I took myself to bed, cross, teary and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes a big weep just clears things up.  This morning the sun was shining and the sky was bright blue. It has been beautiful all day. 

Big J, his mum and I took Juno for her first walk on the farm tracks. People greeted us and we them with 'Happy New Year'. Many stopped to pat Juno, puppies are hard to resist. Lots of dogs gave her the once over too. It was a very happy walk.

Right now there is a goose in the oven, occasionally spitting and popping and sending out worrying clouds of smoke. Thank goodness a recipe on the 'Net did say they tend to be smokey, or I would have given up by now, convinced the kitchen was about to go up in flames.

Dada is here from Japan - he arrived this afternoon. The girls will have a week with him and we are all hoping that this weather continues for a few more days.

Tempting as it is to think about the year to come and to plan and hope, the best thing I can do for myself and all my lovely family is take one day at a time and make it count.





 

Social life spins out of control!

It feels like it. Or maybe just life is spinning out of control!

For the birthday bake I made a dozen lemon and poppy seed muffins, a dozen carrot and ginger muffins and some chocolate beetroot brownies. Note the theme....yep... 5 a day. With all the mince pies and other stodgy rubbish some of us will be filling our faces with in the weeks to come, I thought we could do with more veg!!

Then is was all hands to the crochet hook and trimmings to finish up the decorations in time for Book Club on Friday night.

As mentioned before, the pattern came from lovely MATT and the yarn is Planet Penny's Cotton Club. The embelishments are my own and I was very pleased with them as I am not a naturally gifted embelisher.....

They were stiffened with glue and everyone got one to hang on their tree or where they see fit...
Tis the first time I think I have really made anything to give away like that.

Book club was a challenge. We all came dressed in the clothes of a country of our choice, with food and drink from that place. It was such a riot. We had French, Chillean, Greek, Scottish, Egyptian, Spanish, Japanese, Italian, Chinese and Russian party goers.  I got to wear my yukata (summer kimono) and took along some yakitori (chicken on a stick!!), some sake and some plum wine. There was so much yummy food it ended up being a rather decorous affair - for Book Club.

We have done some Christmas shopping, the tree is up and thrilling things like home insurance has been renewed at a saving on last year's.

This is a big week for me. I am applying for a new job in the same department. It is making me feel very nervous. I think I would like it and even be good at it, but the whole CV thing gets me tied in knots. I just hope I get an interview.

And finally. In the new year, I will be going back to Oz to see my dear old dad and mum. I think I need to see them soon.


 

White Birthday

It is my birthday and it is snowing and I love it. Snow is beautiful - to me. I love walking in it. Out come the purple Hunters and the thick socks, the fluffy hat, gloves and my warmest coat. Today I have to bake lots of goodies for the people at work - the birthday girl has to provide. I will take them in tomorrow. I have also finished my little snowflakes and am really pleased with them.....photos later as the camera battery is charging now. I plan to make more....
Juno starts puppy training tonight and we are all going to be there so that we can be consistant in her teaching and Big J is coming home from Wales. How lovely.



 

A day off

always means a lot. I have not been feeling great for the last couple of weeks and am looking forward to some solitude.

Having said that, solitude and being busy can go hand in hand. There are ebay parcels to send out, a puppy to go to the vet. (Fingers crossed we do not have a repeat performance of the last visit, what a horror!), a waitress uniform to be sorted out for Han who starts work this weekend and then there are the chores and planning for that ominous lurking cloud that is Christmas.

I plan to get my modest gifts for my incredibly fortunate immediate family (they have SO MUCH) on line, with cashback. Mother in law will be here at New Year and I will take her shopping. This is a far more challenging activity than it sounds. Nancy WILL NOT try anything on. We end up tussling over garments. I tend to win, but the fight is fantastic fun, so is she.

Christmas cards for loved ones overseas have to be sent off soon. My family is so far away and we do not do gifts. Only cards.

At work everyone gives everyone else a card. Last year I did not reciprocate beyond the confines of my team. I see them daily. We work hard, have lots of laughs, the occasional tear, and the even more rare moan (LOL).

So lots to do on my day off........in the peace and quiet of an empty house.







 

Home again, home again

I left home for Harrogate a crochet fanatic and have come back with one ball of wool and a pair of knitting needles!!!! At this point (no pun intended) crochet is my first love, but it was imperative that I crochet a scarf in the stitch that CB taught me. It is not going well. The last thing I knitted was when I was expecting Hannah. She will be 18 in January......but having unpicked it no less than 6 times, I cannot go back on the plan.

Anyway, we spent two days in away. Harrogate is a genteel town. Very pretty and home of Betty's where we had breakfast on Friday morning. (Luckily I had done a big rowing workout before hand....)

I enjoyed the show more for the exhibitions and displays than the shopping. There was a slight feeling of having seen it all before when it came to the items for sale.

But here are some of my favs.

Bones and juju dolls for the Queen from Alice in Wonderland

An adorable rhino with beaded ears and chin

and a lovely little mouse from Beatrix Potters The Tailor of Gloucestor.....

There was a distinct lack of crochet, it was odd. But it was lovely to be away. To be in a comfy bed, to walk around and look at the town and yesterday morning I took a long icy walk around the park in front of our hotel just to have some me time and to relish the sunshine, the frost, the happy dogs and rugged up runners.

I am home now, to a tiny bit of chaos, but it is home. It is lovely to have a day off - to get some things done.

Hope you are all enjoying your Sunday.

x

Lest we forget

Big J and I went to the Rememberance Day ceremony this morning - our 7th in England. I love it that people take the time to remember. In Japan, the war is a dark history and kids are not taught about it in school. Whatever one thinks about the country and its past, it strikes me as incredibly sad that there is no day to remember those who died. In fact the remembering of the war dead is in some quarters, considered shameful and provocative, but it remains a truth that people everywhere lost loved ones.

Friends popped in the afternoon, not to see us really, to see the puppy, and she put on a good show....

At one point I actually started unpicking the edge of a knitted bag which has become frayed, that belongs to a friend. The idea is to crochet a new edge and a strap. About 5 stitches got done. It is just full on here.

For the first time in a while we were all home to eat together. This I love.