Waiting for news

Juno and I have been walking in the mornings before I head off up the motorway to the library. Today it was frosty and crisp. 

We were watched by this little fellow. Robins are getting bossy at this time of year and readying for the mating game. 

Juno is always hoping for a treat, or a ball......or both...

It is nice to commune with nature before commuting in traffic.

Tonight though, we are waiting to hear if Japanese Grandad is alright. He is very ill in hospital. The girls spoke to him on Sunday via Facetime when Granny was having her ukelele lesson with Em and he was his lively self. He took ill yesterday. All our thoughts are with him, Granny and Dada in Yokohma. 

And breathe

The air has been cleared a little. Growing kids is hard and it is especially hard when they are literally on the branch about to take flight into their own lives. Will they be ok? Will they cope? Have I done enough? When the black clouds descend will they have enough reserves to see it through?  I like to think, yes to all the questions and if not, then they just have to call home. And if a nagging is in order, they might just get one!

Blowing up

I am really cross and maybe this is not the place to rant, but rant I will so switch off if you don't like it.

The current stormy weather caused havoc on the roads today. It took 2 hours and 10 minutes to get to the hospital. Most of that time I was sitting on a narrow B road waiting my turn to ford a humungous flooded area. There was no room to turn around, and those who had tried to cross the water and failed had squeezed their vehicles onto the sliver of an embankment, hazard lights ablaze, and were standing in the dark on their mobile phones summoning help. Not sensible, they might have been hit by a car. Had I been in the Micra it would have been certain disaster, but I had the big car and it got to the point where there was only one way to go and that was forward. Jaw clenched, shoulders pinched and with bloody good timing I made it....only because two big trucks went through one after the other displacing some of the water. Still I was thrilled and just a bit proud of the driving....For those wondering why I did not avoid it in the first place the answer is simple. I thought of all the routes it was the one LEAST likely to be disrupted by debris, trees even, surface water etc and I even checked the BBC travel sight and not a mention of it.

So long start to the day, but work was buzzing and interesting and it only took 90 minutes to get home. But here is the rub. I am not the only one that lives in this house, currently only Em is here. But day after day I come home to a mess, (some of which I create, I admit) nothing to eat - unless I do it myself and I find I do what I can before falling into bed and repeating the same thing the next day. 

I get home to be told how tired everyone is, that there is hardly any loo roll left and am asked if the pets were fed in the morning. 

Today I blew at the only other person here, which is not entirely fair, but I feel so bloody undervalued. Yes, there is a ton of ironing, yes, the house could do with more of the blitzing that took place early this week, the bins need emptying regularly and all the rest. 

I seriously want to live alone at times. 

Big J is coming home tomorrow morning and every time he goes away before he arrives back I feel the need to plump cushions and clean and fuss as if he were a bloody visitor. (My Irish mother influences that.....she even cleaned out her cupboards before people came over...). I just want to yell. I am doing a DEGREE, I am working full time hours, running a home, dealing with kids who have issues/needs. I have bloody issues and needs. 

I am so cross and frustrated.

Something has to give. 

Diversion and ramble

Yes, I am at the laptop with an essay to edit, but somehow found myself reading about crochet as tends to happen when one procrastinates...

And I found this and it is fabulous. A Bunting Blanket. Great idea and it could be made in a little version for little people and their prams and car seats etc. Clever lady.

Another thing, many of you read Frugal Queen's brilliant blog on how to live well and happily without spending heaps and with being creative. I wondered how many of you read the one about spring cleaning and did what I did....nip over to Aldi and get some kitchen cleaner? I found myself last night after a 90 minute drive home, being on my feet all day and awake at 5:30am, up on a chair thoroughly cleaning the range hood!! That woman weilds great influence I tell you. All night I had to go back and look at the streamlined bench top, the sparkling tiles and window frames....windows no, too dark to see the smears but they are on the agenda....THEN I managed to fiddle about with academic work and it was such a productive evening. 

If only I could KEEP IT UP. I hate and despise clutter and know that it has a terrible effect on me, but boy do I struggle to streamline. Often it is not that I do not want to let go, but it is what to let go and the where to let it go to that is the problem. First thing is the notion that things could be/should be SOLD to generate some dosh. BUT with life as it is now the whole photographing, measuring, listing etc on ebay is too time consuming. The next thing is the charity shops. Happy to do this. In fact this is happening more and the bottom line is that some things are just tat and need to be tossed. My tat is not the same as another person's tat so this one is a delicate balance. I less than subtly hinted that Han could 'have a big clear out' when she was home for the hols!! There is still a stinky old girafe toy in the corner...

Anyhoo, enough for now. I plan to persevere with the whole streamlining thing. In my head I equate a clutter free life with serenity. At least if one is not surrounded by THINGS that need to be taken care of, then maybe there is more time just to live?

Bums, bits and a baby blanket

Into week two in the outpatients department and it has been quite a ride so far. Bum clinics (as the consultant calls them) and the wonders of the proctoscope, gynecology and vascular clinics, ENT, surgical, bariatric and elderly patients. It has been a whirlwind of learning, hand holding, asking questions and being shown the internal workings of the wonderful human body. I got to see a wound sutured as well. 

Still loving it, but am finding the drive to this placement a challenge. I LOVE driving. I only got my licence when I turned 40 and it changed my life. (When we moved to the UK I had two goals, one to drive in London - WHY you ask - it is a nightmare in most places for cars. But it was because it is a big difficult city and I just wanted the confidence to be able to do it and I am doing it now. The other goal was to drive in Europe and this has been done. In Spain, France, Northern Cyprus and last year the girls and I took Japanese granny to Belgium with only me behind the wheel.) 
However, this route to the hospital cuts through back waters, tiny narrow roads with room for one vehicle only, steep hills and sharp bends. It is the fastest route but to avoid the reversing to allow bigger boys to pass me I have learned to manipulate the sat nav better. Longer driving time, but a lot less intimidating. 

The study is still thrilling, we have just had our first exam. It was hard to develop a study method after all these years and maybe next time will be easier, but I hope I passed. 

As for the navel gazing and the moods. They continue. Flat as a pancake this weekend, but I still manage to DO things it is just takes a lot more effort and energy. Still wobbly about so many things, but am convinced that knowing there is something the matter and accepting it is a big step towards getting things sorted. 

On a really happy note, and there are always happy notes in a day, even a bleak, hard day...the knitting needles are out and I am making one of these...

in soft cream Aran weight yarn for a baby that may be on its way. The pattern is from this site. No rush to finish, this is just a wind down activity to be done at leisure. 

Happy 2015

This is Clara, made for (and named by) Celia B for Christmas. She  kindly brought her back today just so that I could photograph her for my blog and Ravelry!! The pattern, as mentioned before is by Kate E Hancock and you will notice how Clara differs from the original in small ways, especially the ears.

The rest of this break has been full on. A lot of illness and some lows. However, we did a lovely Christmas meal and then used the leftovers for a turkey and leek pie, a turkey curry and turkey stock.

We also had a vegetarian celebration for more family....

The remains went off in a food parcel with Adam and into the freezer for more meals later on.

I have done a lot of thinking about the blog, health, money and life (among other things) of late. I will be writing more when academic work permits. But let me take the time to say to you all that I hope you have a good, healthy, happy 2015.

Off my butt and off the blog

The morning has just about gone and I am still in pjs Juno is edging around the room with the sun for maximum warmth/snooze time. There are a million things to do, especially STUDY and housework. Celia B's bunny needs another ear and his legs stitched on.
I am not sure what to do about the blog. Been on a bit of a low for a while now, frustrating when I am getting to do what I want. Can't throw the mood for long and it hits at the most unsuitable times. Like when all is good and the sun is shining. Then a big stinky black cloud settles all around me and makes it hard to enjoy life. 
I am not prepared to up the meds, I think the answer is in health and well being. So, I am not drinking and loving it. I am getting loads of exercise. On the ward, zumba and walking. I am eating less, not always the best of things, but less all round. 
There are essays due and an exam in four weeks. I think I am going to have to accept that apart from not affording the time, there is not really enough going on to blog about for now. I am realistic enough to know that my readership is small, (but lovely....) and will be fine if there are no entries or fewer for a while.
So have a good festive season dear ones who read this that I know. And the same to anyone else that pops in. 
I'll be back xxx